Counselor’s Corner On The Fear of Commitment: Where’s the Root of Evil?

Fear of commitment is a fear of serious, long-term relationships. The main driver of this behavior is fear and rejection of strong emotions, vulnerability or intimacy. Such people are able to maintain only a short relationship and often change their partners. If you started to date with such a person, then it will not introduce you to it`s family, friends and plans for the future. Perhaps he will not even show interest in your life. Learn what you need to know before committing to someone, so as not to waste your time on useless relationships.

How to Recognize the Fear of Commitment in a Relationship?

Who makes the decisions? Perhaps it is the partner who always decides what and when you are engaged together. If he is afraid of commitment, he will see you only at a convenient time, so as not to change plans. If you take the initiative, then a person may disagree with you, be late or not to come to meetings at all.

How is your relationship developing? The more time we spend with a person, the more serious our relationship becomes. If your partner is afraid of commitment, then in such a situation he will try to distance himself from you or completely stop the relationship. Such people adore the excitement of the first dates and the passion of the initial stage of the relationship, and then lose interest in the partner. They are attracted by all the exciting, romantic and carefree. If you share the problem, you will not be understood or ignored.

Assess past partner relationships. A person with fear of commitment quite often consists in short-term relationships. Try inadvertently ask about past partners. If a person changes the topic or tells about fleeting romantic connections, then it is likely that he is afraid of commitment. Some people just have a little experience of relationships. Do not rush to the conclusion that they are afraid of responsibility. There are many explanations for such situations. Some people with a fear of responsibility could even be in a long relationship. As a rule, such ties are ended because of unavailability to commitment.

Assess the situation. If you meet with such a person, it is not always clear what kind of relationship you have. Are you friends, lovers or partners? Surely you did not even discuss the future of your relationship. If you ask such a question, then a person can change the topic, take a defensive position or ask why you try to drive relations with any framework.

Where Does the Fear of Commitment Come From?

The main reason for fear of commitment is fear of loss. You can be afraid that if you choose door number 1, doors number 2, 3, 4, … will always remain closed to you. Most people who have an overwhelming fear of responsibility are, in principle, afraid to make a decision because it may turn out to be wrong.

So what do you really want if you can not choose one thing?

Every person wants something. The problem of “the phobia to the commitment” is that it can not understand what exactly it wants.

Ironically, people who are afraid of commitment often value stability. They want strong, healthy relationships based on emotional intimacy, reliability, comfort and benevolence, but they are constantly haunted by the fear of losing all of this if the relationship does not develop.


Fear prevents people from choosing a specific path in education and careers: you may want to apply your talents in some place, but you are afraid that if your level of qualification is not high enough, everything will be in vain, and eventually you will be stuck in a job that you hate! And, unfortunately, many wonderful dreams and goals remain unrealized due to fear of responsibility.


The only true solution in this case is to start fighting with your fears. Humanity has not yet invented a guaranteed working instruction that will help you cope with fears without much effort. So get ready for hard work on yourself. Start doing things you’ve never done before. This is comparable to jumping into icy water: just close your eyes and jump.


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